Jumbo Jet Set

Not too fond of airlines, and not too fond of personal lawsuits. This was a gimmie...

A woman is upset because she was told she was "too fat to fly." Had the woman been a student in a classroom, the person who said this a physics professor, and the comment in conjunction with a lecture on gravitational effects related to aerodynamics...no problem. Unfortunately, the woman was an airline passenger, the person who said this was a gate agent for Southwest Airlines, and the offending remark, while a scientifically correct, was rude and inappropriate for any airline employee to have done openly in public. The agent allegedly said this with respect to Southwest Airlines' policy regarding passenger size and the requirement that this woman would have to purchase an additional seat. The woman countered that the airline's policy is too vague and inconsistently applied, therefore she has filed a lawsuit against Southwest.

The woman in this case is not suing for monetary damages, which I find curiously un-American. Instead, she is seeking to have an industry standard put in place that sets rules "for flyers who have to buy a second seat." She stated in a T.V. interview that she's "not opposed to paying more if you (the airline) tell me what I have to pay and I know at the point of purchase." Fair enough. Here's a portion of the current Southwest Airlines boarding guideline for fat people Customer Size Policy:

"Customers who encroach upon any part of the neighboring seats(s) should proactively book the needed number of seats prior to travel. The armrest is considered to be the definitive boundary between seats and measures 17 inches in width."

I want to know what part of "17 inches in width" she thinks is vague. I checked other airlines' policies, and they're more vague than Southwest. By and large (no pun intended) they generally enforce additional seat purchases on a case-by-case basis with the litmus test being the ability to lower the armrests and buckle the seat belt. As far as I can tell, Southwest is the only airline that puts an actual figure on your figure...17 inches. The woman knows how big she is, and she knows what the restriction is. I don't understand the problem. Can't measure yourself? Then let's do what they do at theme parks and put up a cartoon character to size everyone before they reach the gate.

This little piggy says, “If you’re wider than this,

you need to buy a second seat.”

From the interview and from the woman's blog (she has a weight-loss blog where she talks about this lawsuit and other weighty issues), it's clear to me her argument is with the consistency in Southwest's application of the rule as there have been times her size when flying was not an issue. Reading into that leads me to conclude that she knows how big she is, and that she flies enough that she should have an expectation there may be a question about her size before she gets to the airport. Knowing this, she should either pay for the second seat at the point of purchase ("proactively book" - see vague policy) or be prepared to fork over additional cash at the gate. Seems like any inconsistency in the application of the policy would be in her favor.

Knugget of Knowledge: Not widely known, the issue of flyer size dates back to the early flying days of the Wright brothers. Prior to Wilbur Wright's well-known 5-minute flight on November 9, 1904, Orville had several opportunities to test-pilot the craft. His best flight lasted a mere 12 seconds. This came after other attempts by Orville, some culminating in minor crashes. In this photo, taken the morning of November 9 as the brothers walked to their airstrip, Wilbur, upset at Orville's inability to maintain a sustained flight, allegedly told his brother, "You can grab a seat back in the hanger, fat ass. I got this one."

I can't help but assume that this woman has been getting away with not paying extra more often than she has been asked to pay extra if the policies were enforced. In fact, she has an apology letter from Southwest from the first time she was stopped that she used to avoid paying for a second seat the last time she was stopped. But winning this personal battle isn't enough. She wants a policy that's consistent and applicable to everyone, so here you go...

The only objective practice I can think of for buying a ticket would be if airlines set their prices based on a passenger's weight. Grocery stores price fruits and vegetables and meat per pound. The Postal Service and UPS and FedEx charge by weight. Why not airlines? Price per pound with a generously included buffer of 5 pounds if you book your flight in advance in case you put on a couple of pounds or want to enjoy that Cinnabon while you wait for your flight. Exceed the weight on your ticket, pay extra for every pound over. And everyone gets sized at the gates. No exceptions, because everything in the world should be applied to everyone exactly the same way. Come in under weight...rebate! Flying with kids on the family vacation? That adult-sized $250 seat is now about $100 for little Timmy, so go upgrade that hotel room, dad!

Of course, fat people won't view this as fair, but if life was fair, no one would be fat. With the obesity epidemic in this country, perhaps saving $20, $30, or more on a plane ticket might be a positive step towards a healthier population. And those with medical conditions...sorry. I'd allow a medical exemption except I've seen too many people walking comfortably away from handicap parking spaces to give a crap about the validity of a doctor's note. Nope, crack open the wallet a little wider because that's what your seat needs to be.

For me, this isn't about defining people as fat, obese or large. It's not about the arbitrary enforcement of policies by the airports, airlines or TSA. No, this is about me being tired of reading about people suing the world because it doesn't fit them or their concept of fairness. Guess what? The world doesn't always fit me, either. I don't care if it's clothes or airplane seats, if you want a tailored fit, you gotta pay extra.

But here, again, we have one individual who feels personally disadvantaged and is seeking an across-the-board remedy through the legal system. And the fallout from that remedy could be someone else or some other group gets impacted. This will ultimately end in a win for the airlines. Airlines don't like empty seats unless they're paid for. I can recall only two times I've flown when I've seen vacant seats, and they weren't next to a fat person. They were just empty. If a size standard is enforced, there will be a lot more empty seats, and I guarantee the airlines will make sure they're all paid for. And in the end, by pushing a lawsuit for an absolute standard to make the airlines do what she feels is right for her, all this woman may accomplish will be to punish passengers who are big like her by forcing airlines to make them pay for what they may not have had to pay for before.

Because that's fair.

Four Things Better Left Unsaid

I'm not one to point out peoples' irritating speech patterns, but there are things people say that would be better left unsaid. I don't need to hear your personal disclaimer for what's about to come out of your mouth, nor do I need you to preface your words with self-importance to complete the delusion in your mind that your advice is somehow better for me than my own. There are too many examples for me to include in one blog post, so to make a long story short, here are four of them. I know you probably know more than four, but if I were you I'd want me to keep your reading manageable. It's the least I can do.

“X” marks the spot where some of your

little treasures are better left buried.

"I'm not [insert what you think you're not here], but..." It's the opening line of the hypocrite's exemption. I'm not one to complain, but here's my complaint. I'm not an expert, but here's my expert opinion. I'm not against gay marriage, but... I'm not a racist, but... I'm not a doctor, but... The list is as endless as things you're not. It's a defensive preface someone uses like it's some kind of free pass to express ignorance or bias on a particular subject, and especially when it comes to giving advice. If you're "not," close your mouth so I can listen to the person who "is." You are allowed to exhale without words coming out, so stop multi-tasking, because you know what you're not? Helping.

"..., so to make a long story short, ..." Nope, I'm afraid you can't. This is most often heard toward the end of a story, so if you got it to this point...well, you can't unburn a candle. All you did by saying this is reveal that a shortened version of this masterpiece already existed and the listener just happened to be lucky enough to get the director's extended cut instead of the Reader's Digest edited version. In fact, the shortened version was probably so boring there was a need to include more words in a vain attempt to make it sound interesting...even to you. Don't confuse the listener remaining in that chair as being completely engrossed in your every word. They've simply developed a motor skill paralysis that is keeping them from getting up and walking away. If you really want to make your long story short, then just do it from the start. We don't really need to know how many phone calls you made, how many different supervisors you spoke with, and how your "threat" to cancel your cable service got you that $20 credit on your next bill. Cut to the chase before our eyes glaze over and all we can hear from you is the grown-up voice in a Peanuts cartoon.

"If I were you..." And yet, you aren't. Generally speaking, if you were me you wouldn't think of suggesting what you'd do in my place. You're only doing this because you don't have to suffer the consequences of being me if I do as you suggest. There's not much difference between "If I were you..." and "I dare you to..." Like I'm really going to get in the face of some guy twice my size for cutting in front of me in line because that's what you would do if you were me. How about I let you be me so we can see how that scenario plays out. You can be me all the way up to my health insurance co-pay. I'd probably piss myself laughing just imagining all of the things I would do if you'd be held responsible. I'd love to hear an attorney argue, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client committed this crime because my client's friend said that that's what he would do if he was my client. Therefore, I stipulate that my client's friend should be found guilty and do the actual jail time." So be glad you're not me and keep your mouth shut. Besides, I know better than to heed your advice because I can think of a laundry list on reasons from Alimony to Zero credit why I wouldn't want you to be me.

"It's the least I can do." It isn't. Usually someone says this when offering a token amount of help out of guilt to whomever's doing a majority of the work. Let's say it's making dinner...two pots on the stove and something in the oven, the cook trying not to add finger pieces to the food while working the cutting board and measuring ingredients. Then there's that stable point in the process to break free and set the table, balancing plates and silverware to make it in one trip in order to get back to the stove before something boils over. Then some jackass asks something like, "Do you want me to get the napkins for you?" The response is, "Yeah, that would be great," which comes out courteously, but if listened to closely has an unmistakable sound of friction that rolling of the eyes would make if rolling eyes made noise. Then jackass says, smiling, "No problem. It's the least I can do." Is it? That's the least you can do? Really? You mean standing there for an hour nursing that beer and bitching about how busy your day was while watching someone else bounce around the kitchen wasn't already pretty close to the least you can do? Apparently it was a mistake thinking you had set the benchmark for "least you can do" when you put the bottle opener on the counter and your mobility in neutral. Technically, the least you can do is nothing, which means no matter what you do that you think is the least you can do, you will always have another lower level inactivity to fall back on.