King of His Castle

A fat guy is suing White Castle because his fat gut can’t fit between the table and the seat.

I’m sorry. That was rather insensitive of me.

A man has filed a lawsuit against White Castle because he feels a restaurant in the chain has violated his rights under the American’s with Disabilities Act by not providing adequate seating to compensate for his size disability. The man says that while not humongous, he’s a big guy and should be afforded the same rights as pregnant women and the handicapped.
 

The man claims he cannot comfortably sit in the fast food chain’s booths. A photo of him shows his wedged gut being creased by the edge of the table. I’d post the whole photo, but I don’t have the space. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or look through the window of nearly any fast food restaurant between the hours of “Open” and “Closed.” It’s a sad photo really. He looks trapped, kind of like when you see a picture of an animal in one of those metal leg traps and think the only route to freedom is for the poor thing to chew its leg off, except in this case dude just needs to stop chewing and he’ll probably slide right out in a day or so.

When I first read this story and saw the photo I thought, “That poor man and his needless suffering.” For those of you who know me well, you know that there are several words omitted from that thought, done so from my abhorrence at the open use of profanity (those of you who know me really well, stop laughing). The story of this man's terrible situation, in fact, bothered me so deeply I began to cry screamed "Opportunity to comment!" so loudly it almost made my eardrums bleed.

First of all, a person’s refusal to say, “No thank you, I’ll have a salad instead,” is not a disability. It’s a fucking choice. I know, I know…there are people out there to whom food is an addiction, who suffer food-related psychological problems, etc., et al, ad nauseum. But the plaintiff isn’t claiming he’s addicted to the food, nor is he claiming the food caused him a serious health condition. He’s claiming he can’t fit comfortably in the seat to engage in an activity that increases the likelihood he’ll never be able to fit comfortably in the seat.

You know what it’s called

when a table edge hits

your gut? It’s called

“enough.”

Second – and we’re talking about a fat person, so you know there are going to be seconds – how can a man compare the size of his girthy, flabby, fleshy gut to the stomach of a pregnant woman? Okay, other than they’re both eating for two? I mean, for crying out loud, his situation is not the same as that of a woman carrying additional pounds for months that eventually have to be pushed out… Look, it’s not the same.

The man defends his rights and his size, saying he fits comfortably in other places, like on airplanes. Yeah, he’s comfortable. What about the rest of us? Should we have to sit next to an overly large person and worry if we're going to be able to get to the emergency exit, or that we'll have to punch their stuck ass through the door like a honey-fat Winnie the Pooh? At what point does his comfort violate my rights to my comfort? What if moving the table makes it uncomfortable for me to eat? Do I get to sue White Castle, too?

The man said the whole experience of not being able to go to one of his favorite places has left him feeling like an outcast. He claims he’s tried to work with the restaurant to resolve the seating enlargement issue, but after two and a half years the only thing that seems to have been expanded is his belt. Apparently the responses from White Castle, which included coupons for free burgers, have left him humiliated, so much so that he had to send his wife out with the coupons to get the free burgers (because that's not humiliating). And adding insult to injury, the cheese was extra!

I'm all for accommodations being made for people with legitimate disabilities and that’s what the A.D.A. was supposed to be for. It wasn’t intended to be a vehicle to give a naturally short person height by getting a court order to lower shelves in stores. Or to pay for a woman's breast implants because she thinks it'll make it easier for her to get a job at Hooters (although...). The A.D.A. certainly wasn't intended to make the world bigger so a "big guy" can appear like he fits in it. That's what fun house mirrors in carnivals are for.

It's unfortunate this kind of shameful, litigious crap is allowed to infect our legal system - in this case, weigh it down. A person shouldn't - I say a person shouldn't because apparently a person can, therefore I can't say a person can't - be able to file a lawsuit alleging discrimination that piggybacks standards applicable to, say, a handicapped person if a handicapped person isn't being discriminated against. In other words, if the restaurant complies with A.D.A. requirements for handicap accessibility, then the only beef here is what's between the buns.

I suppose there's no chance someone with some sensibility will step in and explain that there are alternatives to his problem - like, say, eating in moderation. But if he feels compelled to exercise his rights, fine. Let him. By the look of him it's probably the only exercise this guy will have seen in years.

Words, Part 2: Slave of Fashion

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TV or not TV

The latest round of reality TV shows are coming, and I have to say I'm getting a little bit excit-zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I recall one of my first exposures to these reality and competition shows was Survivor, the series that dropped contestants from all walks of life onto a "deserted" island and made them face survival challenges and outsmart the others for a million bucks. My problem with a show like this is after the first one, all the rest seem scripted. Everyone knows what's going to happen, and the show's real competition becomes which participant can ham it up best for the camera and be the biggest back-stabbing asshole to the other contestants. I also didn't like that the location was somewhere supposedly exotic, some jungle island where most of us would love to spend a week "stranded" on the beach. Unrealistic. I'd rather see them survive a month after getting dropped into a New York public housing project or East St. Louis.

We also have the cooking competitions, with a chef host who is a four-star prima donna prick playing drill sergeant to a bunch of wannabes trying to rid the "sous" from their chef title. If anyone ever talked shit to me in my kitchen about my cooking they'd better a) make sure I'm not holding a knife that can slip out of my hand then b) wonder if what they're eating won't kill them.

Speaking of food shows, we also get treated to guys like Andrew Zimmern, a man who has no problem putting into his mouth dishes made from pieces of anything previously capable of having a pulse, like bull's rectum and testicle soup. It's an actual Filipino cuisine. It's called "Soup #5" on their menus. Anyone want to take a guess why?

And let's not forget our celebrities and kids of celebrities and housewives and x-tuplets and treasure hunters and ghost hunters and people who whisper to animals and...Jesus, when does it end? Will it ever end? Are our lives so shitty that we need to obsess over other peoples' shitty lives, that we find it a feel-good story when the world of someone who had money or privilege or fame falls apart in front of us in HD? I'm starting to wonder if there even exists an acceptable boundary for these shows. I mean, how far can we go? Would someone driving a short-bus full of Alzheimer patients across town so we can camera-track their exploits as they try to find their way home be indignant enough to cross the line?

This topic screwed itself into my head when I learned that the action at the DMV was being developed into a reality series. You read correctly. We will soon be exposed to the - note the quotation marks - "fun and fast paced" world of driving tests, registrations, and standing in line. Who would have thought one could make a television series showing personal meltdowns in a government-run agency that doesn't involve a semi-automatic weapon being discharged? Well, Ashton Kutcher, for one. He's the show's co-producer, and I find his participation particularly fitting as his career stands out for me just like a trip to the DMV: it's something that gets my attention every four years or so and leaves no memorable impact on my life other than the loss of time I can't get back.

In “So You Think You Can Ad Dance,”

contestants square off to find out who

can corner the market on marketing

the corner.

I say if Ashton can do it, so can I. That's why I'm developing my own list of potential reality and competition shows. Here are a few with their programming teasers:

So You Think You Can Ad Dance - Our van of judges is on the road looking for contestants to battle each other down on the corner dance floor to see who's got the meanest feet on the street. Think you can make the cut? Then grab your dancing shoes and your sign, hop the curb, pop in your ear buds and bust out your best moves.

Nailed It! - Each episode opens with a pickup driving to a home improvement store parking lot to find contestants. First five in the back of the truck get to hammer it out against each other to complete various home improvement projects. Contestants will draw a "sealed bid" from the Handyman's Toolbox. With a $200 budget and using similarly equipped tool belts, they have 45 minutes to complete their projects. It's gut wrenching competition ending with a grueling single-round elimination playoff  to see who "nailed it" to win the ultimate grand prize: a temporary U.S. work visa.

Soapbox Derby: The 2012 Presidential Race - Notes for this reality program were unavailable at post time as none of the contestants involved could agree on how best to promote the series, let alone the country. 

Keep the Change - Panhandling as a game show/sport? Why not? Each episode is set in a new city with new challenges for our four contestants. In our competition, it's not all about showing them the money. Players are evaluated by a panel of professional panhandlers and can score bonus cash for technique, attire and signage. From intersection to on-ramp to storefront, the battle's on to see who can cash in on the art of breaking middle-class guilt.

Are You Smarter Than A Redneck? - Based on the concept that brought you Jeff Foxworthy's 5th Grade challenge. It's a battle between some of the sharpest professorial minds in the country against show host and Tifton, Georgia, native Jimmie-Paul Stansby. Do you know your true southern history? Your NASCAR trivia? Do you know what a "munt" is? (Hint: there are 12 of them). Then you just might be smarter than a redneck. Anyone who can beat Jimmie-Paul at his own game wins a $1,000 Bass Pro Shops shopping spree and 20% off the manager's dinner special for two at participating Chick'n Biscuits locations.

So check your local listings...then go read a book.