TV or not TV

The latest round of reality TV shows are coming, and I have to say I'm getting a little bit excit-zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I recall one of my first exposures to these reality and competition shows was Survivor, the series that dropped contestants from all walks of life onto a "deserted" island and made them face survival challenges and outsmart the others for a million bucks. My problem with a show like this is after the first one, all the rest seem scripted. Everyone knows what's going to happen, and the show's real competition becomes which participant can ham it up best for the camera and be the biggest back-stabbing asshole to the other contestants. I also didn't like that the location was somewhere supposedly exotic, some jungle island where most of us would love to spend a week "stranded" on the beach. Unrealistic. I'd rather see them survive a month after getting dropped into a New York public housing project or East St. Louis.

We also have the cooking competitions, with a chef host who is a four-star prima donna prick playing drill sergeant to a bunch of wannabes trying to rid the "sous" from their chef title. If anyone ever talked shit to me in my kitchen about my cooking they'd better a) make sure I'm not holding a knife that can slip out of my hand then b) wonder if what they're eating won't kill them.

Speaking of food shows, we also get treated to guys like Andrew Zimmern, a man who has no problem putting into his mouth dishes made from pieces of anything previously capable of having a pulse, like bull's rectum and testicle soup. It's an actual Filipino cuisine. It's called "Soup #5" on their menus. Anyone want to take a guess why?

And let's not forget our celebrities and kids of celebrities and housewives and x-tuplets and treasure hunters and ghost hunters and people who whisper to animals and...Jesus, when does it end? Will it ever end? Are our lives so shitty that we need to obsess over other peoples' shitty lives, that we find it a feel-good story when the world of someone who had money or privilege or fame falls apart in front of us in HD? I'm starting to wonder if there even exists an acceptable boundary for these shows. I mean, how far can we go? Would someone driving a short-bus full of Alzheimer patients across town so we can camera-track their exploits as they try to find their way home be indignant enough to cross the line?

This topic screwed itself into my head when I learned that the action at the DMV was being developed into a reality series. You read correctly. We will soon be exposed to the - note the quotation marks - "fun and fast paced" world of driving tests, registrations, and standing in line. Who would have thought one could make a television series showing personal meltdowns in a government-run agency that doesn't involve a semi-automatic weapon being discharged? Well, Ashton Kutcher, for one. He's the show's co-producer, and I find his participation particularly fitting as his career stands out for me just like a trip to the DMV: it's something that gets my attention every four years or so and leaves no memorable impact on my life other than the loss of time I can't get back.

In “So You Think You Can Ad Dance,”

contestants square off to find out who

can corner the market on marketing

the corner.

I say if Ashton can do it, so can I. That's why I'm developing my own list of potential reality and competition shows. Here are a few with their programming teasers:

So You Think You Can Ad Dance - Our van of judges is on the road looking for contestants to battle each other down on the corner dance floor to see who's got the meanest feet on the street. Think you can make the cut? Then grab your dancing shoes and your sign, hop the curb, pop in your ear buds and bust out your best moves.

Nailed It! - Each episode opens with a pickup driving to a home improvement store parking lot to find contestants. First five in the back of the truck get to hammer it out against each other to complete various home improvement projects. Contestants will draw a "sealed bid" from the Handyman's Toolbox. With a $200 budget and using similarly equipped tool belts, they have 45 minutes to complete their projects. It's gut wrenching competition ending with a grueling single-round elimination playoff  to see who "nailed it" to win the ultimate grand prize: a temporary U.S. work visa.

Soapbox Derby: The 2012 Presidential Race - Notes for this reality program were unavailable at post time as none of the contestants involved could agree on how best to promote the series, let alone the country. 

Keep the Change - Panhandling as a game show/sport? Why not? Each episode is set in a new city with new challenges for our four contestants. In our competition, it's not all about showing them the money. Players are evaluated by a panel of professional panhandlers and can score bonus cash for technique, attire and signage. From intersection to on-ramp to storefront, the battle's on to see who can cash in on the art of breaking middle-class guilt.

Are You Smarter Than A Redneck? - Based on the concept that brought you Jeff Foxworthy's 5th Grade challenge. It's a battle between some of the sharpest professorial minds in the country against show host and Tifton, Georgia, native Jimmie-Paul Stansby. Do you know your true southern history? Your NASCAR trivia? Do you know what a "munt" is? (Hint: there are 12 of them). Then you just might be smarter than a redneck. Anyone who can beat Jimmie-Paul at his own game wins a $1,000 Bass Pro Shops shopping spree and 20% off the manager's dinner special for two at participating Chick'n Biscuits locations.

So check your local listings...then go read a book.