Happy Birthday, America!

(Ed. note: Today being a holiday, I gave the editorial staff the day off. So in essence, I'm wire-walking without a harness.)

Birthday bike ride. It's never too late to get back into shape.

Yeah, getting older is tough, and you're starting to look it. A bit out of shape, but you're on the right track by making the decision to exercise. Why not? You've got a council on fitness and nutrition. That's like having a staff of free personal trainers. And doing it on a bike, too! And one that wasn't made in China!

It doesn't take a Senate subcommittee to tell you that starting an exercise regimen needs care and consideration. Here are a few tips:

Pace yourself - That's years of government pork you need to work off. You can't turn that waddle back into a swagger over night, so take your time.

K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple, Sam. Like we said, the bike is a good start. You need to get your cardio up before you engage in more strenuous activity, like raising taxes and running for re-election. A flat biking route is probably best, too. Congress can't agree on shit, so any thought about changing gears in the middle of the ride is out.

You are what you eat - Loading on carbs doesn't mean having another beer. No secret that you've been biting off more than you can chew. Time to trim the fat from the diet so the diet doesn't go to "waist." Sure, we all make excuses to feel better about the crap we eat, but the days of "catsup is a vegetable" are over.

Clothing optimal, not optional - Dressing for the exercise is a must. Clothes that breathe and wick are essential, so wear the proper attire for the activity. The biking outfit, while in your current condition is not flattering, is a good choice for biking. But those socks and shoes? We'll keep working on it.

Anyway, we hope this exercise thing works out for you. As usual, we mailed your gift and it should reach you some time before April 15. Happy birthday!