Ah, yes. 'Tis the season. I wanted to put together a holiday play as a gift to all of you, but...well, I had a bad day. Here's some of what happened:
"Ladies and gentlemen, take your marks! Time to rehearse the second act of this three-act play. You! Yes, you in the corner! The Thanksgiving feast is over. Put the food down somewhere besides your throat. We already have a Santa. I don't need another fat ass knocking over stage props. Come on, folks! We still need to get set up and do a run-through of the New Years scene today. If you have plans to get home in time to celebrate the last Christmas before the 2012 doomsday, get your shit together!
"All right. House lights! Cue the fake snow! Aaaaaaannnd...orphan kids...start crying. Come on, real tears! Show some feelings. You're not selling the pain of this scene without real tears! Remember, you're orphans! You have no family. You're not getting an Xbox! Oh, for Christ's sake, where's the woman with the pepper spray?! That's right. Beautiful! Those are tears!
"Okay, stage left...enter the park carolers to sing to the 99%ers. More feeling! Make them want those five gold rings! Wait...hold it! CUT! Where are the damn protesters? What!?! What do you mean the Occupy characters have left? They went home? They can't go home, they're fucking homeless. How can we stage a protest against corporate greed if the protesters leave to celebrate one of the most commercialized holidays of the year? You! Yes, you! Stop spraying the kids and help move all of these empty tents off the stage. What? I don't care where. Empty here, empty there...move them!"
So you see, things didn't go very well and, regrettably, I called the production off. But I didn't want to let this stop me from sharing the in spirit of the season, so I called upon my editing staff and went looking for a backup plan...
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