Happy Birthday to Grainiums!

Believe it or not, it's been a year since Grainiums began spewing it blog posts roughly twice a month into the toilet bowl that is the Internet back on June 6, 2011. As the writer of the blog, I'd like to express my sincere thanks to those of you who lifted the seat up and held its hair back.

Yes, one full year. At times it was difficult. There were some painful moments, but they eventually passed without having inflicted any significant damage. While that sounds more like a kidney stone than a milestone, the passing of both are cause for celebration. Therefore, it seems only fitting that a little time is spent looking at the expired 365 days to see what benchmarks have been established for the next 365*.

*Apocalyptic Note: In the event of the December 2012 rapture, Grainiums reserves the right to prorate any statistical data accumulated up to a confirmed end of days into calculations for a completed year, with credit for a full, 24-hour day given if  more than 12 hours passes after the start of the date said rapture occurs (GMT).

For the year, there have been thirty-one blog posts (excluding this one). That means that not counting taking showers, I have been compelled to respond to at least thirty-one somewhat cognitive thoughts during the past twelve months. Not quite an intellectual orgy, but it's slightly better than having Alzheimer's.

At first glance, it might seem like the posts gravitate toward common targets - airlines, lawsuits and fat people. However, having tabulated the stats the number of posts about "general stuff" outnumber all three of those topics combined, even when counting the fat flyer-airline-lawsuit post "Jumbo Jet Set" three times. I think that's pretty fair considering the country is overwhelmed with lawyers, TSA employees and mayors who want to limit the size of sodas. Fortunately for this blog the world is a Cheesecake Factory menu in which can be found an endless selection of people who are homophobic, buy Japanese "diet glasses," leave their babies on the roofs of their cars, etc., etc, ad nauseum. And dessert.

Who reads Grainiums? We're still working on data collection to establish a basic profile of the readership. The data collected thus far, however, indicates Grainiums is global, amassing 2,327 page views world wide as we blow out the candle. When broken down by country, it looks like a projected medal count from the U.S. Olympic Committee:

United States               2,063

Russia                              73

Germany                           23

Denmark                           19

United Kingdom                 19

Canada                             11

France                              10

                        Burkina Faso                      8 (Thanks, Billy!)

Jamaica                              8
Malaysia                             8

Grainiums has also had single views in numerous other countries, such as Brazil, China, Ireland, Chile, and the territory of the U.S. Virgin Islands. But a single view is like a third world country's surprise medal in a track and field event. Even though it counts statistically, it's nothing more than a novelty. (Editor's note: It still counts). Our goal: Total world domination. In all, Grainiums has had page views in 45 different countries. That's more countries than a Risk game has. We're looking for a page view in all 195 countries - 196, if the 23 million people of Taiwan ever get recognized. As for continents, we've been viewed in six out of the seven, so if that lonely guy in McMurdo Station, Antarctica, can cut back on the Internet porn, we just might have a chance to hit them all.

How about the Grainiums' readership? We know it's broad-based because the blog strives to break down barriers to reach out to all, regardless of one's educational background. For example, Newton's Third Law, seen below on the left written in scientific notation (for those with college degrees), states the mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear. A variation of this law, Grainiums' First Only Postulate, below on the right translated into what can only be described as "blackboard graffiti" (for those with two years of college or less), states that for every extreme act of stupidity there exists a response that can be just as stupid in the opposite extreme.

Newton: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Grainiums: Fuck you. Yeah? Fuck you, too.

As you can see, we are capable of communicating at a high, academic level, and by including pictures we can simultaneously bring it down a couple of notches through which we eliminate literacy as a prerequisite for understanding our blog topics. This also coincides with our elimination of any prerequisite for good taste. And maturity. And political correctness, too. And because a picture is worth a thousand words, I get extra credit for writing more than I actually do.

Where will Grainiums go from here? Well, forward would be nice. As one who hasn't yet subscribed completely to either God or Darwin, I find it only fair to say I have faith the blog will evolve. I've already added the Granules photo album. I'd like to add more features, perhaps an "Ask Grainiums" column wherein readers seek answers, advice or simply wish to stimulate conversation. But no matter which forked road feeds us in our travels, there will no doubt be potholes-a-plenty to hit...and we will do our best to fill them.

So Happy Birthday to us, and thanks for the gift of your time.