Cookie Cutter

Connecticut College, in New London, Connecticut, recently released the results of a study that found Oreo cookies may be as addictive as cocaine. According to reports, hungry rats were put inside a maze with two options: Oreo cookies or rice cakes. The study indicated the rats spent more time in the Oreo side of the maze than in the rice cake side.

No shit.

I've eaten rice cakes. I've eaten Oreos. I can pretty much tell you that given a choice, I'd spend more time eating Oreos - or any other cookie - than eating rice cakes. In fact, if researchers were to conduct this test on me, they would have the added bonus of being able to ask me exactly why I'd prefer to spend my time eating Oreos over rice cakes. I wouldn't even have to say anything, either. I'd just hold out my hands - one with an Oreo in it; one with a rice cake in it. And when they reached for the Oreo, I'd pull it back and give them the rice cake and say, "You tell me why, Einstein."

There was a second part of the study, the part where researchers wanted to determine if the rats would prefer injections of cocaine over injections of saline. Hmmmm...wonder which side the rats liked better?

What the researchers did after that would have made more sense coming from a middle school science fair than from an institute of higher learning. They concluded that Oreo cookies, like cocaine, contain an addictive property that stimulates a pleasure center in the rats' brains. Through that, they suggested that the same stimulation process worked similarly in the brains of humans. Because rat brains are so similar to human brains, a commonality that was likely deduced by a college undergrad who saw rats and humans digging through trash dumpsters for something to eat.

I, for one, don't understand why the results of this study are newsworthy. There's no scientific breakthrough here. It's long been known that human nature dictates humans will respond to what is pleasurable over what isn't. That's why people hang out at bars, listen to certain types of music, like or dislike outdoor activities. You don't need to run rats through a maze to understand Oreos and cocaine can be addictive. All you need are some hungry people and drug addicts.

What the researchers should have done is compare Oreos to shots of cocaine to see which one is more addicting. Instead, they took the easy way out and drew a conclusion based on a simple observation. You could do a comparative sampling of any two things and draw the same conclusion. For example, if you gave me the option of going to church or a whorehouse, you'd likely find me putting my money into a hooker's hand instead of onto a plate being passed by the parish usher.

For the record, I've never been with a prostitute, nor have I ingested cocaine. But I have been to church, and that's a lot like eating a rice cake, so my comparative analysis concludes, therefore, that hookers are like Oreos. And since I like Oreos,...