Heavy PETN

I know, I know. I've taken a shot at the airlines on two previous occasions. This will be number three. I can't help it. They make it so easy.

A report came out that TSA, our first line of defense in the air and our longest line on the ground, warned of the possible threat from surgically implanted bombs in passengers. These explosives, according to TSA, would be difficult to detect because typical airport scanners, unlike TSA employees, can't get under your skin. The fact that the scanners can't penetrate skin means they likely can't detect an implanted device. While there is agreement on the possibility of this scenario playing out, there is some debate among experts about the likelihood it could happen.

There are only so many cavities in the human body you can hide things comfortably without surgery. Or so I've been told. With surgery, there aren't many places in the body that could hold a device large enough to do significant damage. Surgery has its drawbacks: infection, recovery time, co-pays and insurance billing. On the slim chance you could argue the operation isn't an elective procedure, what are the odds that a PETN explosive device is covered for use as an approved prosthetic? If it is, what percentage of the cost will the insurance pick up? Ever dealt with an insurance rep? Auto-answer, phone menu, wrong selection, redialing because you dropped the fucking call, back to auto-answer, phone menu, twenty minutes on hold because "your call is important", connect to a rep with limited language skills... Most of these devices would go off long before they'd ever make it to the plane.

There are other drawbacks, such as recruitment. Let's say you advertised that you wanted a volunteer to have, say, three inches added to his penis. I'm sure you could generate some interest. Maybe enough that you'd have to select someone by lottery. How long do you think the excitement of winning that draw would last after you spelled out the details?

"Congratulations, Mohammed. You're the lucky winner."
"YESSSS!" (with a fist pump).
"Now, I should explain that there's a risk involved in this procedure."
"Like getting an infection?"
"Well...not exactly. Remember the part in our ad that said with this procedure you'd be the bomb?"

Surgically implanting a bomb inside me would take a level of commitment I can't fathom. Of course, I'm not a fanatical terrorist. For this operation I think one would have to be, and no doubt there are those out there who qualify. I don't even look at being a willing participant as stemming from religious devotion or cultural hatred. I've seen the Middle East. I'm sure if I traded my current American infidel lifestyle for a cave in the Afghan mountains, I'd want to blow myself up. But I wouldn't do it with a chunk of C4 between my legs. I've hit the bike frame between the seat and the handlebars. Hell, watching videos of other guys railing their taint makes me cringe. Besides, no one wants to meet up with seventy-one virgins with the nickname "Stubby" and no ability to perform.

It’s a fact that throwing your body on top

of an explosive device can save the lives of

others around you. Would you be willing

to make the ultimate sacrifice by

 throwing yourself on top of these?

But let's say, for the sake of entertaining this thought, the surgery becomes a viable terrorist option we have to deal with. Some new TSA body search rules would have to be put into play. Body search rules so personally non-intrusive that they wouldn't even cause flashbacks to a Catholic. So how do you check? Let's say it's a breast implant issue. Visual confirmation is out. No man will ever be able to look at a woman's covered breasts and say, with 100% accuracy, real or fake. You could ask the woman, "Are those real?" but that's like asking her age. She's going to be offended and probably won't tell you the truth anyway. Touching? Do you like not being a sex registrant? And while they're focusing on (distracted by) all the women, there's a 300 pound man with size 36 man-titties waltzing - yes, fat men can waltz - to your departure gate getting more pathetic stares than scrutinizing glances.

It's not like we need something else to worry about when we fly. It wasn't too long ago when we were simply concerned with just getting to the airport. Now there are so many things to consider pre-flight, so many details added to our itinerary, it almost makes arriving at your destination as triumphant as a Lindbergh landing in France. I'm glad our nation's intelligence people are uncovering these security risks. It lets me know they're on the job for my protection. And since we all play a vital role in maintaining the safety of our country, I think I owe it to this great land of ours to contribute to that cause by paying more attention to checking out women's breasts.

For security purposes.

And not just at the airport.

Because terror can strike any place, any time.