Oh, say can you see...

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Happy Birthday, America!

What's that make you now? 230-something? Sorry, but I haven't been keeping up. I've been busy working for you, making money so I can pay your rent. And the percentage you get out of my pocket, dear Uncle Sam...sometimes I feel like you're somewhere between a heavy-handed pimp and a kid that won't move out. By the way, as long as we've touched on the landlord-tenant subject, can you talk to those people upstairs? Those Canadians? They got a little rowdy last June when hockey season ended and started making a lot of noise and burning shit. No, not the ones in Montreal, again. This time it was Vancouver. They had a little tantrum because somebody took their cup. They're blaming people in Boston. Not surprised. Boston seems to have a knack for pulling pranks that get under the skin of countries tied to the British crown.

Anyway, I didn't know what to get you. Yes, I received the list you emailed. (Like you didn't know.) While I agree a fence would be practical, building it would be a problem since the people available to put it up might ironically be the same people our folks want to keep out. I have an idea, though. You've been pretty good at outsourcing jobs. Outsource the fence to Mexico. The illegals will go back for the work, build the fence from their side, and then...they're there. Yeah, I know! Just thinking outside the box, er, box store. I was literally in front of a Home Depot when I thought of this. I realize a solution to the immigration problem is one of many issues fighting for a top spot on your list of things you want, but really, you kind of brought this on yourself. Besides, I'd rather spend my (read: your) money on something you don't need. Like something imported.

Don't want to bust your B-day balls, Unc, but you've been slacking in the "Made in..." marketing arena. Half the party we had planned for you was made in China. Needed some patio chairs...made in China. Decorative lights...China. Plastic forks...China. New American flag. Seriously? Made in China? And the fireworks...well, okay, that's a pass. It is kind of their thing. But the rest? I don't get it. You've always been a marketing machine with a name worth its weight in gold. Have you seen the price of gold lately? Dude, get out there and start yankee-doodling! I'm all for being an American-made consumer, but you're not making it easy. I don't want to burn a lot of foreign oil trying to keep it homegrown.

Quick Quiz: Which of the following was made in America?

If it sounds like I'm putting all the blame on you, Uncle, I'm not. You're only as good as the people who work for you and, let's face it, your management staff has been a let down. Your regional managers can't agree about anything. They spend more time on T.V. making their point than in their office getting to the point. And, well, there are the character issues. You can't deny their behavior of late has really become an embarrassment. Finance scandals, government contractor scandals, lobby scandals, sex scandals. Lots of sex scandals. Infidelity. Kids out of wedlock. Sex with staffers. And what's up with that one guy...the dick texter who couldn't say with any absolute certainty the photo on his phone was his junk? (btw: Dick Texter...great porn name) There's only two ways a man shouldn't be able to recognize his own penis: very drunk or very fat.

I'm not mad at you. I only bring these things up because I have great respect for you and I want what's best for us. I mean, you've got a fantastic place. The maintenance has been a little shoddy at times, but overall I like what you've done with it. I appreciate that you let me live here and let me do my own thing. Outside of the airports, of course. Oh, airports - that reminds me...the wife and I flew to Hawai'i this year and got to use the country's island timeshare state. Thanks. We loved it!

I know we don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but for the most part I know I've got a ton of things to be grateful for. Even if our relationship is somewhat taxing, I know deep down inside that red, white and blue heart of yours wants to beat to keep us alive and not beat us to death. Anyway, Happy Birthday. I'll try to be a little better about being ahead of the gift game next year.

Hopefully something better than the usual gift card in April.