The Day I Chose Camping Over Cable

All right, I think it's time to call some bullshit here.

According to Harold Camping, a 90-year-old Christian radio broadcaster, the rapture was supposed to have occurred on October 21, 2011. Mr. Camping, who has a BS in Civil engineering to go along with his "BS" in prophecy, was wrong. I was actually worried when I got up that morning. I had a repair appointment scheduled with my cable service to fix my Internet connection. The company gave me a two-hour window for their arrival. Are they kidding?! I've had repair and delivery people miss four-hour windows. I know hell's a comin' before those guys show up on time, so I'm thinking, "The Rapture's coming and I'm not ready. I'm fucked." So for two hours I'm in my backyard looking toward the heavens, waiting for a bright light to split the sky open accompanied by a blast of trumpets and a choir of angels. But then Eric-the-cable-guy showed up with half an hour to spare, fixed my high-speed Internet connection, and saved my life. Thanks, Eric.

Clearly my choice of being prepared for Christ’s arrival 

over the cable guy’s arrival was as wrong

as it was awkward.

Mr. Camping, aside from being as old as he was wrong - which is very - seems to be having trouble in his role as an End-of-Days Prophet. His October 21, 2011, prediction came on the heels of his previously errant prediction of May, 21, 2011, which itself came after his wrong September 6, 1994, prediction, which followed his off the mark September 21, 1988, call. Talk about crying wolf. He's essentially running around yelling fire-and-brimstone in our crowded Earthly theater. His poor judgment of the Lord's Judgment is doing nothing more than add to the confusion and turmoil that already exists in my life. Thus, on October 21, I didn't know whether to run like a Sodomite or sit tight and risk getting the ultimate bitch slap from the Big Right Hand.

Editorial Note: For clarification, Sodomite, being capitalized in the previous paragraph, refers to a resident of Sodom during the time of their destructive Judgment. When it's not capitalized, it refers to a person who engages in that specific sexual practice you perverts thought I was referring to.

You see, I don't know everything. For the things I don't know, I rely on the guidance of so-called experts. For example, I'm not a geologist or an economist. But if someone who claims to be able to interpret ground fault stress or see a downward financial trend warns the world of an impending earthquake or recommends stuffing money in mason jars, I'm going to brace myself a little. In the same way, not being a religious person, I look to those educated in all things biblical in order to be prepared for ethereal events, such as a possible tribulation. That said, I took a look back to analyze where my focus should have been under the circumstances I faced on October 21 with the hope that the next time Mr. Camping or some other Prophet calls "All aboard!" I won't get caught with my pants down again.

God's service: To clear my conscience every week, I'd have to sit in a booth in a church and divulge my sins to a messenger of God before asking for forgiveness.
Cable service: To clear my conscience every week, I'd stay home and Ctrl+Shift+H, Delete.
Advantage: Cable. Why leave the house with a dirty soul?

God's service: The Bible.
Cable service: The eBible.
Advantage: Cable, but only if I download the Direct Verse Jump option. Otherwise, it's a push.

God's service: A couple of hours once a week in a place of worship getting preached to.
Cable service: The Trinity Broadcasting Network, having His word brought to me every minute of every day.
Advantage: God. Nobody needs to get preached to 24/7, especially in HD.

God's service: Praying for enlightenment.
Cable service: Search engines.
Advantage: Cable. It's easier on the knees.

God's service: The Tribulation can take seven years with no knowledge of when it will begin.
Cable service: A service window can be two to four hours on a specific date.
Advantage: God. Two to four hours can fuck up my whole day. At least I can plan around seven years. 

God's service: The Holy Trinity.
Cable service: Comcast Triple Play. 
Advantage: Cable. Father, Son and Holy Spirit doesn't beat father, son and a Center Ice package.

God's service: Historically, payments to the church, or tithes, are roughly 10% of a person's earned income.
Cable service: Payments to a cable provider are tiered based on levels of service and premium channels.
Advantage: God. Tithes are tax deductible, so that's one way to write off the church without feeling guilty.

The results were close, but it confirms that I should have gone with cable over God. That's not to say I'd have cast Him aside completely had I known beforehand. After all, I would have needed someone to talk to while I waited for that service window to close.